I have always been of the opinion that visa procurement regulations are terribly biased. Basically any joker with sandals and a back pack can get into Kenya but try getting a visa out of this country and you might forgiven for thinking

your last name reads "been with Laden". So you can imagine the

utter surprise that hit me, when I learnt that the Russians had

let Mochama into St. Petersburg. He tells me St. Petersburg is beautiful but loveless. "So what are the Russians like?" "O.P! I might need a kidney transplant. Those Russians have a one stop solution to all of life's problems... Just drink." He said it in Russian and I thought to myself, I would love to share this great philosophy with the ever-whining Kenyan lot but fortunately Kenyans just cannot handle drink. It doesn't matter how much nyama choma they have beforehand.

So it is with absolute selflessness and tremendous love, that I

conclude that the first step in ridding our nation of drunks is to enact a 'No Tolerance' approach to female drinkers. Now, now, calm down and let me finish. If I bothered to look hard enough I could probably find scientific facts or at least some biblical evidence to support my stance but where is the time? I am an astute observer of social behaviour and I can tell you, palm rested on the holy book, that if Kenyan men are hopeless when drunk, our women are just plain pathetic. People say that drunken women are scared of darkness, heights, rats but I will tell that there isn't anything scarier in this life than a bunch of four drunk and undersexed Kenyan women seeking your attention in the dead of the night. Shivers!

Have you ever seen a Kenyan bloke get plastered after two Bacardi's, two Smirnoff Ice's or two glasses of wine? I mean, how is that possible? Anyway, thank heavens there are women like Liz Naisaipei whose tear jerking email I have re-done to guide the less seasoned female drinkers who may still insist on drinking to desist from this habit. Okay, sit up and listen.

Rule No. 1: Do not call your Ex

You ask why? Well, because I think it is dumb. No matter how

badly he hurt you, no matter how good the sex was, no matter how

fantastic his car was, a 2am drunken call will not get him

back. When a woman calls you at 2 in morning, is that or is that

not a booty call. But sorry to burst your bubble sweetie,

sometimes men are not just interested in having sex because

chances are they are in bed with someone far more interesting.

Secondly the chances of you either throwing up or blacking out

even before you lose the high heels are so real no man in his

right senses dares go there. Thirdly, you will wake in the

morning, your breath reeking to paddy fields in Northern China

and looking like you were run over by a train, a sight that has

subjected many strong men to irreversible psychological trauma.



Rule No. 2 - Do not call his current girlfriend

I won't ask you how you got your ex's new girlfriend's number,

because such levels of desperation can only be addressed by a

shrink. Liz says, "Alcohol has never been known to help anyone

size up the competition". It is unwise, no let me rephrase that,

it is very stupid to call any woman who your ex is seeing to

discuss anything while you are drunk. Anything about how he can

never love her the way he loved you and that his mother will

never like her or he only wants her body is what ex-Maseno

students of 50s called hogwash.

Rule No. 3 - Do not pick up a fight

I can understand a puny drunk male believing they nailed the

lead role in "The One" starring Jet Lee. What I can't get is a

drunken female playing Charlie's Angels 111. Women are lousy

fighters. Any fighting, only results in damaged nails, innumerable facial scratches, excessive whining and shredded weaves. Incidentally, women always fight over men. One suggestion, if you have to fight, make sure it either for your country or for movie cameras. People only fight for honour or money.



Rule No. 4: Do not puke in public

Especially do not puke in my car, my sink and never my carpet.

These are the signs of the end times that my grandmother

warned us about. First it was women burping and we looked the

other way. When they started farting we blamed the dog but

throwing up? That's pushing it. Therefore, and I hope I have the

attention of the minister for Justice and Constitutional

Affairs, any woman found splattering fabric, floors, faces with

their last meal must be subjected to a spot clean. The urge to puke, like the urge to fart, always comes with a five second delay mechanism. That is nature's way of saying, run

for the nearest loo.

Rule No. 5: Do not strip

It sounds like a perfectly sound idea until we spot your pot.

Even the strong amongst us, shudder. Leave the strip tease to

the slim professionals. Keep it covered and do not break the

seal even when the drumbeats of alcohol beckon otherwise. And

lest I forget, don't even think about singing. A man can only take so much in one night.

Rule No. 6: Do not kiss me

I have this unexplainable misfortune of always attracting fat women. Men talk about sexual harassment and people dismiss our claims. I should have listened to my dad and taken up law. For every drunk woman, there is a guaranteed five sexual harassment suits and that's just because the other five refused to press charges. And if you think men can't spell NO wait until an overweight, drunk woman declares you the chosen one. There is no greater misery known to man, than a woman wanting to have unlawful carnal knowledge without your consent.

I have sent out a proposal to NACADA (The National Agency for

Control Against Drug Abuse) where I have fronted some very

strong arguments against women drinking. My views can be

summarised in one slogan that subject to the Ministry of

Health's approval, will be circulated to all bar tenders

reading, " Don't give them booze, give them soda". In

closing, if you really have to drink and drive, drink milk. If

you still insist on drink, then drink what my mate Mike (Michael

Power) and I have. Now that's one drink you can't abuse.